Pregnancy Blues

I thought my first post about my pregnancy would be something exciting and happy. Unfortunately, there will be a patch of dark cloud hovering over the sky of this post. There were plans to put up scan photos and to detail each milestone. But things came to a halt before I can even start.

I took my Oscar about a week ago and the result turned out to be 1:235 (high risk category). Upon further examination of the report, my baby seems to be having a higher than normal nuchal transparency (NT) reading. An amnio test was recommended. I started reading up about NT and the results of the Oscar. It is a very frustrating process as different medical reports would give you different conclusions or no conclusion. Some were things that assured you while others were information that put you in an uneasy situation.

Staying positive at this juncture is the most important and perhaps most difficult. Turning to faith seems to have a calming effect. At service on Sunday, the message was to trust and have faith. A random reading of today's Bible verse is also about having faith. I trust my chances are good as the odds are relatively low and I will put my faith on Him to guide me through this process and what comes thereafter. I hope I can start detailing my pregnancy soon. 2 more weeks. Chin up!

Excruciating first experience!

I was conned by its far from intimidating outlook. I thought I could take the pain. I was wrong. I had my first and probably last (unless of absolute necessity) acupuncture session. I was literally being pinned down by 17 hair-line thick formidable needles. 4 on my arms, 4 on my legs and 9 on my tummy. All in the name of vanity. 

I thought, "How painful can it be? It was not an injury anyway." When the first needle went in, I knew I made the wrong decision. It was pain that you cannot preempt. It was an ant bite, followed by a second of electrocution and then 30 minutes of aches with numbness. In some areas, it was an an bite, followed by a second of electrocution with occasional muscle spasm and 30 minutes of aches.

This was not all! The removal process sent off instant excruciating pain and muscle twitch. Next came the cupping process. A procedure where bamboo or glass cups were heated and immediately cupped onto the skin. The vacuum created by the heat sucked up as much flesh as it could causing the cups to be securely attached to the body. The purpose? To force the toxins in the body to float up to the surface of the skin. I must admit, due to excessive possession of flesh on my body, the cupping process was more damaging than the needles. (See picutre - I have 12 of these marks on my body.) When the alarm from the physician's table sound, I knew it was over. I had never felt so relieved and relaxed.

The "acupunctured" feeling did not end there. I wonder how many days before all the effects wear away.

Finally started!

I finally started my photography class. Dealing with concepts such as F-stops, aperture, shutter speed, focal length etc were not easy tasks, especially after a long day in office. But it's fun. Here are 3 of the 5 photos which I had selected for a photo critic session on Thursday. Wonder how bad will they be critic. Cross my fingers :P

A very special moment...

"Music Of My Heart"

You'll never know
What you've done for me
What your faith in me
Has done for my soul...

You'll never know
The gift you've given me..I'll carry it with me (yeah...yeah...)
Through the days ahead
I think of days before
You made me hope for something better (yes you did)
And made me reach for something more

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love...(love)
Is the music of my heart.. (music of my heart)

You were the one
Always on my side (always on my side)
Always standing by (always standing by)
Seeing me through
You were the song that always made me sing
I'm singing this for you (singing this for you baby)
Everywhere I go
I think of where I've been (think of where I've been)
And of the one who knew me better
Than anyone ever will again

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door (you opened the door)
To something I've never known before...
And your love...(your love)
Is the music of my heart

What you taught me
Only your love could ever teach me
You got through when no one could reach me
Ohh...ohh...ohh
Cause you always saw in me
All the best that I could beIt was you who set me free...

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside (me inside)
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside (me inside)
Help me hear the music of my heart (music of my heart)
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door (opened the door)
To something I've never known before (never, never, felt before)
And your love...Is the music of my heart..
Music of my heart
Music of my heart
Is the music of my heart...

Lecture on Grief, Loss & The Language of Pain

What is grief?

Is it extreme sadness in brief?

Is it something that occurs only when we bereave?

Grief, a complex physical, emotional and social exhibition of pain.

When the sense of loss is too much to contain.

Communication is hindered by the language of pain.

Though the former is essential to ease the emotional rain.

The construct of pain is love.

Lost love constitutes extreme heart strain.

Lamenting in the strain, you will start to regain.

The journey of healing is something you can ascertain.

You will be alone in this journey.

But we can ensure that it won't be lonely.

Because the language of pain is such an irony,

eventually it will find a comforting destiny.

That, is my learning of Grief, Loss and the language of pain.

Rainy weekend...

This weekend is a rainy one. I always like rainy days (but not rainy nights). Especially when my mood is not at it's best. The sound of raindrops and the grey skyline make me feel peaceful. I wanted to capture the scene from my tiny living room window. Droplets of rain streaming down the panel, masking the prematurely lit HDB blocks in the background. I wish I have better skills to capture something this beautiful.

Life is fragile

Beep! The familiar message tone of my hand phone went off. I had to read and, read the message again. A friend from Moscow just pass on. A sudden and shocking news for he is not an old man. Neither was he illness stricken. The folks in Moscow suspected that it was probably a fatal asthma attack.

It's a strange feeling to know a friend had died. Though not close, we were once companions in a foreign land. Maybe Moscow had become a second home to him but I can't help but feel sad that he died alone or at most, just with his girlfriend by his side.

May you rest in peace, Walter.

Health...something not to be undermine!

It was a normal night out with friends. We had dinner and since Mind's Cafe next door was available, we popped in for a couple of hours of fun. Just when we were finishing our session and contemplating if we should extend it, Jenny stood up and complained that she had problem hearing from her left ear. She then proceeded out of the cafe thinking that a quieter environment would resume back her hearing. But vomit and fainting spells followed instead. Within minutes, I saw my friend "crumbled" helplessly. She was not able to move. Any small movement would cause an exponential turmoil in her brain which would then trigger more vomiting. We were as helpless as her so the ambulance was our safest bet.

We couldn't help but wondered what happen. She was her perfectly fine self the entire evening and within minutes, she was totally helpless. It was frightening to see my dear friend in this state. Especially when she is one of the fittest among us. Seeing her being totally consumed by this sudden freak incident makes me feel that we are so fragile. Thank God she is recovering fast.

Our Restaurant...Revisited

There is nothing fanciful about it. There is nothing atas about it. The food is not something you will die for. But it is a restaurant that has nostalgic moments. A cozy place where you enjoy a quiet dinner. Where waiters are a good mix of old and young. You wonder who are their customers. Are they sailors? Or just your next door neighbours?

Car park is tugged away beneath the building, where the gantry suggests only seasonal parking. You need a friendly buzz to the restaurant at the gantry for chirpy waiter to provide you with the entry. This is the Marina's Corner....

Sunday Outing

Adrian and I decided to take a Sunday outing to Hort Park. This is one of those rare occasion where he forsakes his routine tennis game with Beng and gang. By the time we had breakfast and arrived at the park, it was already about 10am. We met many families who had picked Hort Park as their Sunday destination too. It was a nice walk round the Park and up Kent Ridge Park. I certainly miss the cool and dry weather back in Moscow. Just 10 minutes into our excursion, we were already hot and sticky. We followed the path up to Kent Ridge Park where there is a short little tree top walk.

When we happily concluded our Sunday escapade, we took a detour to IKEA to return an utensil holder which I had bought earlier and to take advantage of the free drinks in there (for IKEA members). All went well until we were about 5 minutes away from our house. A black Mitsubishi abruptly cut into our lane. Then a loud bang and yes, our new car was hit by a motorcycle following too close behind. She broke my right brake light :(. What a way to end a wonderful Sunday morning.

I Survived!

Finally ended this horrific week. Thank you.... those who stood by me, those who suffered under my terrible moods, those who told me I did well, those who offered their shoulders.

State of Insanity

This week is total madness for me. Boss and colleague are on study trip and my partner in crime (haha) had resigned. So sad. Have to cover for almost all of them. I have been switching from folders to folders trying to multi-task...trust me, it's not easy and not good for my tiny brain. You can see my near to insanity state from my work station....2 more days before the nightmare ends!

New Look!

Noticing that my original blog skin is getting common, I know it's time to change. I have always envied Nicole for being able to create such sleek looking designs so I decided to have a go at designing my own. End product, though not as professional as Nicole's, is still to my liking. But to friends who are not aesthetically focus, content is still the attraction. Hope you like my little creation :) This change marks the next phase of my life, where an abandoned friend is not being abandoned in Moscow anymore. But will her return be more permanent or just another temporal phase, she has yet to uncover.

Gloomy Day...

Maybe it is the lack of sunshine...because I have a very bleak outlook of my future. One morning I woke up and realised that I would be 32 in May. Frantically checking my memory, I was taken aback that I had not achieved much and 2 years just slipped by me. 2 years of doing nothing! I panicked! I was desperate! I needed to kick start my life again. How? I was confused!

The news on TV didn't make it easier. Looks like US is heading towards a recession and Japan too. The job market may not be as vibrant as I want it to be. After 2 years, what am I still capable of? Can I still find a job I love so very much?

Many people have told me that I should find something to do to keep myself going. It's not an excuse but is it really so easy? It is very convenient to say, "Oh, you have all the time to do things you like now." Is it true? I am tired of explaining to people that we have taken conveniences in Singapore for granted and assume that we can apply such conveniences everywhere we go. "Do something you like" ....easier said than done. Half the time, I find myself doing something for the sake of doing. When you don't get to choose, anything available is probably God bless.

Maybe it's mid-life crisis, maybe it's a lack of self-esteem, maybe it's a lack of sunshine, maybe I've had enough, maybe it's a mix of everything.......it's time for me to get my life back.

Pseudo Life

Do you ever wonder why your life is the way it is? If you are able to create a pseudo life, how would it be like? Would it be like the female characters in Korean series where there will always be 2 guys fighting over 1 gal? Where 1 of the chap is a great buddy while the other is the perfect man? Or would it be one of those super intelligent characters in CSI, 24 etc?

My pseudo character, if I may, would be ......

She likes travelling, sometimes alone, sometimes not. She can speak a few different languages. She dresses with style. She has a job that she is madly passionate about, something related to creativity/design. She has hobbies, one of which is photography. She is a talented musician who can play the keyboard, the harp, the guitar and the cello. She has a character that is very endearing. She draws people. She is not petty. She is easy-going. She speaks with wit. She makes people laugh. She is comfortable with life. She is not fantastically stunning but she is pleasant looking. She is not fat. She is rather tall. She has great dimples. She is outspoken. She is opinionated.

But she is not without flaws.

She can be hot-tempered. She can be messy. She is not meticulous. She loses things easily. She cannot really manage money. She is not academically intelligent.

I can only visualise her existence but I cannot imagine her life. Though I rather choose one that is challenging but something at the back of my mind tells me it's smooth sailing. If it is the latter, wouldn't it be too boring, too cliche? If it is the latter, wouldn't it be too dangerous? That one day the whole fairytale will burst? That all her "haves in life" will be taken away...maybe by the divine, simply because she has had her fair share of "fortunes" and it's time these are being given to others who have yet to enjoy them.

Maybe I should give her "powers" only to be used in desperate situations. Power of courage, strength, resilience and optimism. How else should I develop my pseudo character?

2008 KPIs?

Pardon me for the title. It might sound unpalatable for some. But I do wish I have some real KPIs to meet for 2008. I have been putting off writing the so- called "new year resolution" because being on "sabbatical" doesn't motivate me to formulate any. But there are 3 things which I really want to achieve in 2008;
a) save more money

b) be a better person

c) do something useful/fulfilling