It's your 2nd anniversary. I cannot tell you how much I miss you. Someone dear, wrote this for me about you. I want to share it with you on your anniversary....
glimpses
reaching out, touching you
the warmth of your hug
as our nose touch
breathe the life in you,in me
almost
it builds on..
those rainy nights
are you comforted
with warmth and love
or in some corners
abandoned?
it builds on...
can I hang my soul
or stow it away
so the pain doesn't grow
it's like a 1000 stab
only to be resurrected again
double the pain
like being maimed
it builds on....
the weight of the memories
wearing me down
still glimpses of you
as I reached out
you fade away
yearning
Friday, December 26, 2008
Seeking peaceful moments
I have been feeling disturbed recently. By what? Many things. But I think the culprit of it all is uncertainty. Uncertain of the future, the people around me, my life and myself as a person. The mind is in a whirlpool. The heart yearns for some peaceful moments. I'm tired. Tired of people's expectations of me, of my expectations of others, of the burdens I have to shoulder, of the things that are happening in my life, of the things that are not happening in my life. I have the sudden urge to go away. Somewhere far, where out of reach is out of mind. A selfish thought I know for we don't not exist for ourselves alone. How important is "I"? Rightfully, "I" should take care of myself, be my best friend etc for "I" am the most important person to me. Sounds self-centred but isn't that what self preservation is all about? Who will treat "I" better than myself if everyone has an "I" in them?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Blog for 3 years
Took a peep at my old posts. Gosh, didn't realise that I have been blogging for 3 years already. What started as a record of my overseas experience and something to kill my boredom has stuck with me since. It's that time of the year when I need to change my blogskin again. Any suggestions?
2008 coming to an end....
I have been running through what I had been through for 2008 in my mind recently. These are my takings for the year:
Moving back from Moscow and starting work all over again. Life is beautiful but ironic at times. When I was in Moscow, I yearned so much for me to come back, to be with friends and family and to start doing something useful to the economy again. It happened in June 08. Starting my life on this little red dot again was not tough but certainly the contributing to the economy bit was not as exciting as I thought it would be. To begin with, I thought my skills were rusty and there were a lot of catching up to do. Things in the department were totally different from when I left. People are different, expectations are different, procedures are different. Life as an expatriate began to flash in front of my eyes in many instances. Moments in Moscow were, to my surprise, missed. I long for the freedom I had when I was in Moscow. The freedom of time, the freedom of doing things I want to do. Conclusion is, be careful what you wish for.
I thought emotions about Pebble would have been better managed after 2 years. Apparently not so. Talking about her is still not easy. Memories of her are still vivid. Why does she arched so deeply in my heart? I think besides her being an endearing dog, there are many qualities about her which I cannot find in people whom I come in contact with everyday. I know she will never abandon me, I know she will always stay close, I know she will never desert me because of her other priorities, I know she will always provide that comfort touch. I know she will never take me for granted. On the contrary, I was the cause of her abandonment, her not being able to have someone close, her fending for herself in deep winter, her being in great danger for being alone out there........(I can't write anymore).
What about friends? The long standing ones are still around and still playing a very important role in my life. New ones? Well, maybe hard to come by nowadays, maybe hard to establish that closeness too. I must admit I am not an easy friend to have for I have my own close to idealistic demands. I believe those who can get close will be thrown off by such idealism. Maybe that's why new friends exited my life after establishing a certain closeness, whether I like it or not. What happens then? Nothing very much besides adding another name to the "Abandonment" list and another dosage of heartache and pain. You will ask, "why not stop looking? Stop having those ridiculous demands? It's a vicious cycle isn't it? It's asking for trouble and then wanting people to pity you, isn't it?" Yes, I admit, in many instances, I did ask for it. I need the antidote call " gracious letting go".
Family? Realised that my folks are getting old and their falling sick one after another worries me. It is a very scary experience. The thought of losing them suddenly becomes very real. Praying for their good health.
Moving back from Moscow and starting work all over again. Life is beautiful but ironic at times. When I was in Moscow, I yearned so much for me to come back, to be with friends and family and to start doing something useful to the economy again. It happened in June 08. Starting my life on this little red dot again was not tough but certainly the contributing to the economy bit was not as exciting as I thought it would be. To begin with, I thought my skills were rusty and there were a lot of catching up to do. Things in the department were totally different from when I left. People are different, expectations are different, procedures are different. Life as an expatriate began to flash in front of my eyes in many instances. Moments in Moscow were, to my surprise, missed. I long for the freedom I had when I was in Moscow. The freedom of time, the freedom of doing things I want to do. Conclusion is, be careful what you wish for.
I thought emotions about Pebble would have been better managed after 2 years. Apparently not so. Talking about her is still not easy. Memories of her are still vivid. Why does she arched so deeply in my heart? I think besides her being an endearing dog, there are many qualities about her which I cannot find in people whom I come in contact with everyday. I know she will never abandon me, I know she will always stay close, I know she will never desert me because of her other priorities, I know she will always provide that comfort touch. I know she will never take me for granted. On the contrary, I was the cause of her abandonment, her not being able to have someone close, her fending for herself in deep winter, her being in great danger for being alone out there........(I can't write anymore).
What about friends? The long standing ones are still around and still playing a very important role in my life. New ones? Well, maybe hard to come by nowadays, maybe hard to establish that closeness too. I must admit I am not an easy friend to have for I have my own close to idealistic demands. I believe those who can get close will be thrown off by such idealism. Maybe that's why new friends exited my life after establishing a certain closeness, whether I like it or not. What happens then? Nothing very much besides adding another name to the "Abandonment" list and another dosage of heartache and pain. You will ask, "why not stop looking? Stop having those ridiculous demands? It's a vicious cycle isn't it? It's asking for trouble and then wanting people to pity you, isn't it?" Yes, I admit, in many instances, I did ask for it. I need the antidote call " gracious letting go".
Family? Realised that my folks are getting old and their falling sick one after another worries me. It is a very scary experience. The thought of losing them suddenly becomes very real. Praying for their good health.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Our 8 years...
4th Dec 2000....I signed my life first and most important "contract". I remembered my answer to this question, "......will you take this man to be your legal husband....". It was "ok lor!". How inappropriate. I can still remember that stare the Solemniser gave me before she hastily corrected me. "I do" or "I do not" was the answer she was looking for, not the singlish version of it.
8 years passed. I must say the jittery I had at ROM was uncalled for. It was a fulfilling 8 years. The experience of building our lives together are about trial and error, tolerance, respect and love. I look forward to another 8 years, 16 years, 24 years ..... with this man who look so cute in the photos above. Happy Anniversary, Darling.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
A long waited reunion
Our paths crossed in Moscow and they have remain so since. About 11/2 years ago, we began leaving the place we all met. Some went up North, many landed back in Asia and a couple left for the exotic. We met again finally, with an additional member to the group. May we meet again soon :)Tuesday, December 02, 2008
2 years in 26 days...
I was frantically looking for a video clip I had of Pebble last night. It was one that had her wearing shoes and trying to walk. The thought of losing the clip was unbearable. Only through the clips will I see her "alive" again. She had left us for almost 2 years but the pain of not having her around anymore had not reduced at all.
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