Pebble's 2nd year anniversary

It's your 2nd anniversary. I cannot tell you how much I miss you. Someone dear, wrote this for me about you. I want to share it with you on your anniversary....

glimpses
reaching out, touching you
the warmth of your hug
as our nose touch
breathe the life in you,in me
almost
it builds on..
those rainy nights
are you comforted
with warmth and love
or in some corners
abandoned?
it builds on...
can I hang my soul
or stow it away
so the pain doesn't grow
it's like a 1000 stab
only to be resurrected again
double the pain
like being maimed
it builds on....
the weight of the memories
wearing me down
still glimpses of you
as I reached out
you fade away
yearning

Seeking peaceful moments

I have been feeling disturbed recently. By what? Many things. But I think the culprit of it all is uncertainty. Uncertain of the future, the people around me, my life and myself as a person. The mind is in a whirlpool. The heart yearns for some peaceful moments. I'm tired. Tired of people's expectations of me, of my expectations of others, of the burdens I have to shoulder, of the things that are happening in my life, of the things that are not happening in my life. I have the sudden urge to go away. Somewhere far, where out of reach is out of mind. A selfish thought I know for we don't not exist for ourselves alone. How important is "I"? Rightfully, "I" should take care of myself, be my best friend etc for "I" am the most important person to me. Sounds self-centred but isn't that what self preservation is all about? Who will treat "I" better than myself if everyone has an "I" in them?

Blog for 3 years

Took a peep at my old posts. Gosh, didn't realise that I have been blogging for 3 years already. What started as a record of my overseas experience and something to kill my boredom has stuck with me since. It's that time of the year when I need to change my blogskin again. Any suggestions?

2008 coming to an end....

I have been running through what I had been through for 2008 in my mind recently. These are my takings for the year:

Moving back from Moscow and starting work all over again. Life is beautiful but ironic at times. When I was in Moscow, I yearned so much for me to come back, to be with friends and family and to start doing something useful to the economy again. It happened in June 08. Starting my life on this little red dot again was not tough but certainly the contributing to the economy bit was not as exciting as I thought it would be. To begin with, I thought my skills were rusty and there were a lot of catching up to do. Things in the department were totally different from when I left. People are different, expectations are different, procedures are different. Life as an expatriate began to flash in front of my eyes in many instances. Moments in Moscow were, to my surprise, missed. I long for the freedom I had when I was in Moscow. The freedom of time, the freedom of doing things I want to do. Conclusion is, be careful what you wish for.

I thought emotions about Pebble would have been better managed after 2 years. Apparently not so. Talking about her is still not easy. Memories of her are still vivid. Why does she arched so deeply in my heart? I think besides her being an endearing dog, there are many qualities about her which I cannot find in people whom I come in contact with everyday. I know she will never abandon me, I know she will always stay close, I know she will never desert me because of her other priorities, I know she will always provide that comfort touch. I know she will never take me for granted. On the contrary, I was the cause of her abandonment, her not being able to have someone close, her fending for herself in deep winter, her being in great danger for being alone out there........(I can't write anymore).

What about friends? The long standing ones are still around and still playing a very important role in my life. New ones? Well, maybe hard to come by nowadays, maybe hard to establish that closeness too. I must admit I am not an easy friend to have for I have my own close to idealistic demands. I believe those who can get close will be thrown off by such idealism. Maybe that's why new friends exited my life after establishing a certain closeness, whether I like it or not. What happens then? Nothing very much besides adding another name to the "Abandonment" list and another dosage of heartache and pain. You will ask, "why not stop looking? Stop having those ridiculous demands? It's a vicious cycle isn't it? It's asking for trouble and then wanting people to pity you, isn't it?" Yes, I admit, in many instances, I did ask for it. I need the antidote call " gracious letting go".

Family? Realised that my folks are getting old and their falling sick one after another worries me. It is a very scary experience. The thought of losing them suddenly becomes very real. Praying for their good health.

Our 8 years...

4th Dec 2000....I signed my life first and most important "contract". I remembered my answer to this question, "......will you take this man to be your legal husband....". It was "ok lor!". How inappropriate. I can still remember that stare the Solemniser gave me before she hastily corrected me. "I do" or "I do not" was the answer she was looking for, not the singlish version of it.

8 years passed. I must say the jittery I had at ROM was uncalled for. It was a fulfilling 8 years. The experience of building our lives together are about trial and error, tolerance, respect and love. I look forward to another 8 years, 16 years, 24 years ..... with this man who look so cute in the photos above. Happy Anniversary, Darling.

A long waited reunion

Our paths crossed in Moscow and they have remain so since. About 11/2 years ago, we began leaving the place we all met. Some went up North, many landed back in Asia and a couple left for the exotic. We met again finally, with an additional member to the group. May we meet again soon :)

2 years in 26 days...

I was frantically looking for a video clip I had of Pebble last night. It was one that had her wearing shoes and trying to walk. The thought of losing the clip was unbearable. Only through the clips will I see her "alive" again. She had left us for almost 2 years but the pain of not having her around anymore had not reduced at all.

A very special moment...

"Music Of My Heart"

You'll never know
What you've done for me
What your faith in me
Has done for my soul...

You'll never know
The gift you've given me..I'll carry it with me (yeah...yeah...)
Through the days ahead
I think of days before
You made me hope for something better (yes you did)
And made me reach for something more

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love...(love)
Is the music of my heart.. (music of my heart)

You were the one
Always on my side (always on my side)
Always standing by (always standing by)
Seeing me through
You were the song that always made me sing
I'm singing this for you (singing this for you baby)
Everywhere I go
I think of where I've been (think of where I've been)
And of the one who knew me better
Than anyone ever will again

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door (you opened the door)
To something I've never known before...
And your love...(your love)
Is the music of my heart

What you taught me
Only your love could ever teach me
You got through when no one could reach me
Ohh...ohh...ohh
Cause you always saw in me
All the best that I could beIt was you who set me free...

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside (me inside)
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside (me inside)
Help me hear the music of my heart (music of my heart)
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door (opened the door)
To something I've never known before (never, never, felt before)
And your love...Is the music of my heart..
Music of my heart
Music of my heart
Is the music of my heart...

Right or wrong?

What governs right or wrong?
When a decision or an action is done not in sync with your beliefs - it's wrong?
When otherwise - it's right?

For a friend .....

To a friend that....

walk with me when I'm alone.
talk to me on the way home.
guide me when I'm lost.
hold me when I'm bushed.
hug me when my world collapse.
encourage me when my motivation lapse.

Thank you :)

I saw a real cat....

I was walking past a coffee shop at Boon Keng when I spotted this cat. I was curious why the cat attracted so many stares from the patrons of the shop. Then it dawn onto me that the kitty had a rat in it's mouth. The rat gave a faint squeal before succumbing to it's fate. Wow, just when I thought there's not real cat in Singapore....

A Dream...

I dreamt of Pebble last night.
I dreamt that I found her.
I dreamt that I cuddled her.
I dreamt that I played with her.
I dreamt of her pointed ears.
I dreamt of her little barks.
But it's only a dream.....

Lecture on Grief, Loss & The Language of Pain

What is grief?

Is it extreme sadness in brief?

Is it something that occurs only when we bereave?

Grief, a complex physical, emotional and social exhibition of pain.

When the sense of loss is too much to contain.

Communication is hindered by the language of pain.

Though the former is essential to ease the emotional rain.

The construct of pain is love.

Lost love constitutes extreme heart strain.

Lamenting in the strain, you will start to regain.

The journey of healing is something you can ascertain.

You will be alone in this journey.

But we can ensure that it won't be lonely.

Because the language of pain is such an irony,

eventually it will find a comforting destiny.

That, is my learning of Grief, Loss and the language of pain.

Silent Despair

I came across this passage online. Was touched and saddened. Despair and helpless were my sense. A silent prayer for you, my friend (whoever wrote this....)

Who is that in the mirror,whose face look very familiar,
but yet it is a different face,one that has fallen out of grace.
What is my tomorrow?Is it none but sorrow?
I’m no longer the person I used to be,
I’ve become a monster - a banshee.
My anger, my emotions I can no longer contain,
my every reactions I can no longer restrain.
Why does this have to happen to me?
No one can answer, cos no one can see.
Plans I once had remained as intentions,
I cannot visualise it becoming actions.
I am defeated through and through,
being played around like a fool.
In hell I have stayed for two years now.
Eternity in hell… could be anytime now.

Sick.

I am sick. Down with flu and cough. Had a bad headache too with all the coughing. I don't like the feeling of being sick. After the all the medication, you just feel so weak. Especially the flu medication where it makes one in drowsy state the whole day :(.

But, being sick can also make one feels loved and warm :) You get text messages that check if you are alright, if you have seen a doctor, if you have taken lunch, if you can eat Twisties :P

I was very afraid to fall sick when I was in Moscow. Simply because, unlike Singapore, you cannot just walk into a clinic. And half the time, the more renowned ones will reap you off like nobody's business. Here in Singapore, a day of mc may not be a bad thing. At least I get some good rest :)

Beauty of motherhood

This is not a calling of my maternal instinct. I was looking through the photos I took yesterday and these 3 caught my eyes particularly. Aren't the girls beautiful? I mean both mothers and daughters. Natural beauty is the most beautiful form of beauty isn't it?

Looking at this collage, I can't help but be reminded of our Cedar days. We were young, we were fun, we were unaccomplished then. Though life has changed, this family has expanded, ties still remains.

A Sweet Message

Line sent me this sms last night;

Line: Boy, do you love Ganma and Aunty Jenny?
Fu: Only Ganma
Line: Why?
Fu: Because Ganma loves me.
Line: Aunty Jenny loves you too.......

Oh...how I love my boy :)

Kidz' Day Out

It's one of those Sat mornings. The usual gang had decided a get-together at my place. This time with Fu and family. Swimming was the day's highlight. Here are some memories.....

I wonder if they will all grow up to be best of friends. It would be so wonderful.....that they have one another too :)

Drifting Life

There is this nagging feeling to give more meaning to my life. Many people, at this juncture, would suggest having a baby. That's not what I am referring to. I have always wanted to start my voluntary work but somehow it didn't happen. As with many things in my life, it's procrastination. I vision I can devote my services in many areas but I just didn't get started with any. I guess that's the failure part in my character. I honestly do not like this bit of myself. Maybe it's about getting out of comfort zone, maybe it's about laziness, whatever is the reason or rather, excuse, it's probably time to do something about it.

I asked, sometimes: "Have I touched?" "Have I helped?" "Have I extended my support?" "Have I listened?" "Have I cherished?" or "Am I just taking life for granted?"

What do you find in office?

We spend at least 8 hours in office. It is therefore unavoidable that we will want to personalise that little 2m x 2m cubicle. Do not underestimate this little square. It is an office, a retreat corner, a meeting room, a display of individualism, a box to think out of the box, a haven for ideas and a private space for a little peace in office. Here's taking a peep at what me and my colleagues have in office.

Rainy weekend...

This weekend is a rainy one. I always like rainy days (but not rainy nights). Especially when my mood is not at it's best. The sound of raindrops and the grey skyline make me feel peaceful. I wanted to capture the scene from my tiny living room window. Droplets of rain streaming down the panel, masking the prematurely lit HDB blocks in the background. I wish I have better skills to capture something this beautiful.

Life is fragile

Beep! The familiar message tone of my hand phone went off. I had to read and, read the message again. A friend from Moscow just pass on. A sudden and shocking news for he is not an old man. Neither was he illness stricken. The folks in Moscow suspected that it was probably a fatal asthma attack.

It's a strange feeling to know a friend had died. Though not close, we were once companions in a foreign land. Maybe Moscow had become a second home to him but I can't help but feel sad that he died alone or at most, just with his girlfriend by his side.

May you rest in peace, Walter.

Making Mistakes...

Though to err is human, I wonder how much lee-way am I given. I am frustrated with myself for making silly mistakes at work and I think they can be avoided. How many times can you say sorry? How long does it takes for credibility to go down the drain? Truly, I must admit that I am not a meticulous person. And it didn't help with early onset of amnesia. Disappointed...with myself.

Going down the wrong path...

How do you extend your hand to someone in need?
How do you reach out for someone in pain?
How do you pull back someone heading down the wrong lane?
How do you know it's too late?
How do you point the responsibility to someone already in pain?
Ever be in the situation where you see someone heading the wrong path but there's no way you can steer them back?

Health...something not to be undermine!

It was a normal night out with friends. We had dinner and since Mind's Cafe next door was available, we popped in for a couple of hours of fun. Just when we were finishing our session and contemplating if we should extend it, Jenny stood up and complained that she had problem hearing from her left ear. She then proceeded out of the cafe thinking that a quieter environment would resume back her hearing. But vomit and fainting spells followed instead. Within minutes, I saw my friend "crumbled" helplessly. She was not able to move. Any small movement would cause an exponential turmoil in her brain which would then trigger more vomiting. We were as helpless as her so the ambulance was our safest bet.

We couldn't help but wondered what happen. She was her perfectly fine self the entire evening and within minutes, she was totally helpless. It was frightening to see my dear friend in this state. Especially when she is one of the fittest among us. Seeing her being totally consumed by this sudden freak incident makes me feel that we are so fragile. Thank God she is recovering fast.

Early Onset of Amnesia....

I am getting worried about my brain development, or should I say brain "deprovement" recently. I seem to be suffering from Amnesia. Since my return from Moscow, I find myself being very forgetful. I used to think highly of my incredible memory but not anymore. I thought to myself that it could be due to stress but now that the major projects are over, the condition has not improved. Should I seek medical help? Should I take more Omega 3 tablets? This is definitely not a case of being pregnant! What could be the cause?

Money No Enough...

Too many things to buy....too little $$. Here's my shopping list:
a. handphone - the current one is going to retire
b. clothes - no woman will think she had enough of them
c. camera - I think I have outgrown the current camera that I have. I am still hoping, wishing and dreaming for a free DSLR
d. a bigger house - my shipment from Moscow came last Sunday. My, I sure have lots of stuff.
f. tour - planning for a tour with some friends and wish for a money plant, one that I can pluck $50 notes from
.........................................and the list just goes on......................

The Ugly Side of Singapore's Driving Culture

I started driving again after 2 years. Though excited to get behind the wheels, I find the whole experience of driving in Singapore frustrating. While the ever increasing number of ERP gantries adds to the dis-enchantment of driving, the driving culture here really kills this simple pleasure in life. My observations are:

Singapore Drivers are:
a. Rude - We do not have the habit of giving way. Please do not deny it because if this is entrenched in our driving culture, why do we need a campaign for it? If we have this practice, why don't we know that blinking the hazard light twice means "Thank You"?

b. Unskilful - Have you ever been in the situation where a car cuts into your lane after signalling his intention just split seconds before? And after doing that, instead of accelerating, he slows down? Have you ever experienced drivers who take their time to filter their lanes thus slowing down every single car behind? Better still, ever met those who change lanes without even bothering to signal?

c. Selfish - Ever been tailgated for no reason? The tailgaters think that by sticking the bonnet into the back of your car, it will force everybody else in front to move faster!!!What logic is that? If the road is congested, it's CONGESTED! Maybe by doing that, he can move a split second faster. But it's just that! Many a times, I just feel like jam braking the car to prove a point, THE TAILGATERS ARE A MENACE AND A DANGER TO THEMSELVES AND THE REST OF THE ROAD USERS. Imagine, 2 seconds for you to react to a jam break and you are at most 1 metre away from the car in front of you while travelling at 90km/hr? It doesn't take more than a 3yr old to understand the danger.

d. No sense of speed - What do you do if you are coming out from a slip road into the expressway? You accelerate when there's no car to move into the lanes? That's fine. What happens if the left lane is crowded? Ever experienced drivers who still accelerate when filtering into the left lane from a slip road when that lane is crowded? They just literally joist you out of your lane.

e. Bo Liao - Ever seen drivers snaking in and out of the lanes thinking that that's efficient driving and that they can get to their destination faster? Better yet, performing a combination of snaking and tailgating stunts! Sometimes, I find these acts highly comical. Especially after all the "effort" being put in, we still meet each other at the same traffic light! Time saved? I don't think so. Higher level of kick? Maybe! Being a nuisance? Definitely!Kaneshna!

Having stayed in Moscow for 2 years, I have experienced what skillful driving is all about. I have also experienced what it means by being efficient on the roads. Believe you me, it's none of the above. I always stand by this notion, as drivers, we are like soldiers with a weapon, we have the capability to kill. You may not have intended for it but you certainly do not want to bear the consequences of depriving another motorist's life. It is irreversible! Please drive responsibily!

Hello...Ganma :)

Phone rings.....

Me: Hello?
Baobei: Hi Ganma (loud and clear)
Me: Boy! What are you doing?
Baobei: I.....(cannot decipher)...playing toys. Ganma you see...
Baobei's mummy: Ganma cannot see :)
Baobei: Ganma, you see the colours.
Me: Ganma cannot see you :(
Baobei's mummy: What do you want to ask Ganma?
Baobei: Ganma.....(cannot decipher again :() want to come?
Me: You want me to go to your house?
Baobei: Yes
Baobei's mummy: He asked how come you didn't come over just now?
Baobei: How come you didn't come?
Me: Ganma was at Ganma's muumy's house.
Baobei's mummy: Ok bye!
Baobei: Bye Ganma, BYE (loud and clear and so chirpy :))
Me: Bye, Boy :)
Me in thoughts......my baobei just called me :)

Our Restaurant...Revisited

There is nothing fanciful about it. There is nothing atas about it. The food is not something you will die for. But it is a restaurant that has nostalgic moments. A cozy place where you enjoy a quiet dinner. Where waiters are a good mix of old and young. You wonder who are their customers. Are they sailors? Or just your next door neighbours?

Car park is tugged away beneath the building, where the gantry suggests only seasonal parking. You need a friendly buzz to the restaurant at the gantry for chirpy waiter to provide you with the entry. This is the Marina's Corner....

Lethal Combination

If Apple + Coke + Whisky = Irritable Bowels,

Does
=> Apple + Whisky = Irritable Bowels?
=> Apple + Coke = Irritable Bowels?
=> Coke + Whisky = Irritable Bowels?

New Perspective!

Does this sounds familiar? You work harder than your boss, you seem to know more than your boss, you are more stress than your boss, you have lesser time for other personal things as compared to your boss..... Doesn't sound logical right? I used to think that something was wrong with my boss. Note, the word is used to. Recently, I am beginning to see this whole situation of an "ineffective" boss from a new light. Maybe I appear to work harder because I have placed work as top priority. I know more than my boss because I choose not to let go. I have lesser time for other personal things because I choose to place work first. So, the whole feeling of imbalance and "why am I paid less but have to work more" syndrome is self-inflicted. If I rearrange my priorities and still do my best in office, maybe I can achieve more self satisfaction. Rather than deriving satisfaction from work, shouldn't I derive it from things that are important to me? Late enlightenment :)

Sunday Outing

Adrian and I decided to take a Sunday outing to Hort Park. This is one of those rare occasion where he forsakes his routine tennis game with Beng and gang. By the time we had breakfast and arrived at the park, it was already about 10am. We met many families who had picked Hort Park as their Sunday destination too. It was a nice walk round the Park and up Kent Ridge Park. I certainly miss the cool and dry weather back in Moscow. Just 10 minutes into our excursion, we were already hot and sticky. We followed the path up to Kent Ridge Park where there is a short little tree top walk.

When we happily concluded our Sunday escapade, we took a detour to IKEA to return an utensil holder which I had bought earlier and to take advantage of the free drinks in there (for IKEA members). All went well until we were about 5 minutes away from our house. A black Mitsubishi abruptly cut into our lane. Then a loud bang and yes, our new car was hit by a motorcycle following too close behind. She broke my right brake light :(. What a way to end a wonderful Sunday morning.

Which is better?

Jenny and I have this idea of submitting our baobeis' photos to the Straits Times (the column that shows all the cute bbs). What do you think of these shots of Sophie? Which do you prefer? I can't decide...she is just sooooooo cute :)

Shiiii! Slacking In Office

It's just the Friday mood. It's just the need to slack after a major event. It's just an excuse :P
Suppose to bury myself in work at this time since there is another major event coming up in 2 weeks. But what did I do? I BLOGGED! At 3pm on a Friday afternoon! I was trying to prevent myself from reminiscing about the carefree life in Moscow (yes, how contradictory!). I realised I have not been sleeping well for the past 1 month and when weekend arrives, I just sleep and sleep. The subconscious mind has been reminding me of the various deadline I have missed and the many more that are coming up.

I begin to wonder if I should try a different kind of work. How about working part time? How about having my own business? How about just being a landlord? How about doing adjunct teaching? I guess options are unlimited if we put our hearts into doing it (another paradox haha...need some change but too "inertialised" to change :P).

Me. Me? Me!

I shall start my week with a relatively morbid question. However, please do not panic, I am just being curious. Question is, "What would you remember about me or what would you add in my eulogy if I were to depart from this world?" What's your take?

I Survived!

Finally ended this horrific week. Thank you.... those who stood by me, those who suffered under my terrible moods, those who told me I did well, those who offered their shoulders.

State of Insanity

This week is total madness for me. Boss and colleague are on study trip and my partner in crime (haha) had resigned. So sad. Have to cover for almost all of them. I have been switching from folders to folders trying to multi-task...trust me, it's not easy and not good for my tiny brain. You can see my near to insanity state from my work station....2 more days before the nightmare ends!

The Use of TIR

Term was developed by one of us (not sure who) for use in situation:

a) when we are pissed beyond words but have no means of retailiation;

b) when we need some words of consolation;

c) when we are resigned to an undesirable outcome;

d) when we cannot find any other logical explanation;

e) when we try to immerse in their daily way of life;

f) when we want to verbally express our dissatisfaction to the inner circle;

g) when we need to communicate via riddles.

Last few days in Moscow...

My last few days in Moscow haven't been very smooth sailing. The tv cable was faulty since 2 days ago and it can only be repaired on Sat (TIR). Fortunately or unfortunately, I got to watch the UEFA Champions League on the internet last night. One of my wisdom teeth decides to cramp itself into my already packed lower jaw and it has been giving me excruciating pain and migraine. The weather is lousy. It has been raining and will continue until I board the plane on Monday (trust their weather forecast, it's accurate!). I wonder what awaits me in the next 3 days.

Glossary: TIR = This is Russia

New Look!

Noticing that my original blog skin is getting common, I know it's time to change. I have always envied Nicole for being able to create such sleek looking designs so I decided to have a go at designing my own. End product, though not as professional as Nicole's, is still to my liking. But to friends who are not aesthetically focus, content is still the attraction. Hope you like my little creation :) This change marks the next phase of my life, where an abandoned friend is not being abandoned in Moscow anymore. But will her return be more permanent or just another temporal phase, she has yet to uncover.

Central Europe Escapade

To celebrate my getting a year older this year, Adrian planned a central Europe escapade, taking advantage of the few public holidays here in Moscow. The plan was to land in Vienna, spend a day there, hitch a ride from our friends who will be driving into Vienna to lecture, to Budapest. Spend about 3 days there and hop onto a train that would take us to Prague. Nua another 3 days there and jump into another train that would take us back to Vienna.

Stop 1 - Vienna (Wien)

By being in the capital of music, of course we needed to make plans to attend a concert. We were spoilt for choice. There were people selling all kinds of concerts, operas etc on the streets. So many that you couldn't decide what to watch. Here's a tip. Many of these concerts are private, small scale ones and not performed in nice concert halls. So, go for those which are held in the opera house or bigger concert halls like the one in the famous new year concert.

Stop 2 - Budapest

The "Hungarian Dance" tune came to my mind. It was a scenic little city. Especially so during the night. Budapest is a city divided by river Danube. The side where the castle is situated is called Buda, the other side is called Pest. Pest is not pronounced as "Pest" but "Pesh". The stop at Budapest was quite fun except...the hotel or should I say the guest house. For some reasons, unknown to me and Adrian, he decided to book a guest house and did not see the very fine print of the reception being closed after 6pm. So when we reached the guest house at 12 midnight, we saw a note that was left behind for us. "We have waited for you until 11pm but you did not show up. We have left. Please call this number when you arrived." Great! Temperature was about 6-10 degrees then and I was only in my raincoat! So we called and waited 40 minutes for the guy to turn up. Next came the payment...cash only! What the .....! So all our US$ gone. Then came the room...typical soviet style with a 5cm thick pillow!!! Black face at this stage while Adrian was guilt-stricken (poor thing).

Other than the guest house...which subsequently also created other hiccups (like no hot water, no soap), the experience was quite fun.

Stop 3: Prague

It was a beautiful place. Lots of interesting architecture. At some angles, while walking up Charles bridge, the buildings looked medieval. Nice place but expensive cos it was too touristy. Hotel was comfortable compared to the you know what earlier on. And how often do you meet friends when travelling? We did! Met a friend we knew from Moscow. What a coincidence! All went well until the last day. After dinner, we wanted to take a walk to the Wenceslas (??) square. While crossing the cobber-stones filled road, I gave a loud yell and tears started coming out from my eyes. I had badly twisted my left ankle. So painful that I could hardly get off the track of an incoming tram. That's it, end of the evening walk and the beginning of a limping 2 days in Vienna. Luckily, the swell went off when I got back to Moscow and I was counting my blessing that it was just a twist. Greatest taboo is to go hospital for anything in Moscow...

1.3...time passes so fast!

Today marks 1.3. Time passes so fast. But memories seem to stay....

What have I been doing?

I often wonder, in my free time, if friends in Moscow are wondering about me? Well, sorry for not updating the blog for almost 2 months. Juggling with house renovation and work, there was little time left to do much blogging. Had been feeling very tired recently and all I wanted to do after work was bathe and jump right into bed. Maybe I had been too slacked for the past 2 years. The turmoil of full day work needs a little getting used to. Friends in Singapore were thinking I must be nuts.

Besides the tiredness, I also started to doubt my capabilities. It seems to have gone for a holiday too. I don't seem to be able to perform like I used to in work. I'm scare. Did I really lose it? Or is it just a matter of getting myself back in pace? Or have I overrated myself in the past? I don't know. Perhaps I need some assurance to allay this lack of confidence.

1.2 today....

This is meant for me again. It's ok if you don't understand what it means.

English...Engrish...

For the many that cringe due to poor English, when reading my posts, I apologise. I aspire to write flawlessly but whenever Adrian reads them, he will spot all kinds of grammatical mistakes. I can even visualise my ex-boss circling the mistakes with red ink pen :P. I must admit that I do not have a strong foundation in the language and some of the mistakes are just not apparent to me. Sometimes, I cannot even differentiate Singlish form of writing to English. But I enjoy writing. I enjoy jotting down my thoughts, my perspectives and my feelings about things around me. I guess it would be worse if I do not write at all. Then there will be no room for improvement. While I try to improve, please do not give up reading my posts.

Drivers' Blues

We were once very blessed with a fantastic driver. He took good care of the car, ensured that every inch of it was clean (something very hard to maintain in Moscow) and was very proud to drive in it. All the horror stories we heard from friends about their drivers were distant to us. However, things changed when Adrian changed job.

We have 2 drivers now (on a 2-day rotation schedule) and we find ourselves counting on only one. The other one belongs to the pool of "undesirable drivers". What constitutes being an "undesirable driver"? Here's my experience....

Driver M arrived at my apartment. It was our first meeting. I opened the car door and discovered grass on the back seat. Driver M indicated to me that the back seat was dirty and suggested that I take the front seat instead. Fair enough, I thought. I was meeting some friends for lunch and it so happened that they decided to hitch a ride to a nearby supermarket after the meal. When they got on board, he was immediately mesmerized by one of my friends. When she failed to get into the car again after the supermarket visit, he asked about her whereabouts. *Scratch head*

I told Adrian about the grassy back seat and we suspected that he had used the car to either transport something or had taxied someone.

The next day, he was tasked to fetch me again. This time, he assumed that I should take the front seat but I declined. (Some drivers, when driving a female, prefer to have them seated at the front; to show off!???) Maybe I was being sensitive but I did not think he took the refusal very well. *But who cares?*

Many days later, I heard that he was skirt chasing one of Adrian's colleagues, trying ways and means to date her. *What was he thinking?!!!*

After that episode, on one cold winter day, we found a bottle of half-drunk coke in the drinks compartment of the car. It didn't belong to the other driver, neither did it belong to us nor Driver M. So, possible scenario is that Driver M, being the driver the day before, picked up a passenger (let's call him Passenger C) who had a half-drunk bottle of coke. As Passenger C got off, he forgot about it and our dear Driver M did not even realise that Passenger C had left behind that bottle of coke! Well, we could not conclude anything as it was all just a guess and he was not caught red handed. But certainly, our tolerance was running out.

All was calm until a few days ago. It was his turn to drive Adrian but the other driver was unable to contact him the day before to notify him about the time. He was nowhere to be found in the morning and when he finally appeared in office, he refused to explain to anybody about his disappearance. *PMS?*

The last straw came today. He was supposed to fetch me at 1130. He decided to leave the office at 0930! On a good day, the drive from the office to my apartment takes only 15 minutes. On a bad one, it would take at most an hour. Never, never requiring a 2-hr lead time. When he was stepping out of the office door at 0930, Adrian's colleague stopped him. "Damn! There goes my plan!", I guess this was what he was thinking then. Well, that's not the end of the saga. When we reached office, he told Adrian that the front car plate had dropped off! How? Don't know. When? Don't know. Where? Don't know. Explaining that he could easily be stopped by the police without the car plate, he said he needed to get back to the leasing company to get the plate replaced. This would take at least 2 1/2 hours (actually, they just needed an hour at the most). So the plan was, he would drive me home first before proceeding to get the plate replaced. I waited and waited in the office. "Where the hell was he?" Turns out that he decided to put the back car plate at the front and take a drive to find the other plate. *I call that stupidity!*

We had had enough! Though it didn't feel good, he would be replaced with effect from Friday. I think it is important to have a driver you can trust. What I don't like about him is his dishonesty. He is also not a careful driver, especially when his mood is down and I certainly wouldn't want to let someone like that accidentally "murder" me. Let's hope the replacement is better.

Gloomy Day...

Maybe it is the lack of sunshine...because I have a very bleak outlook of my future. One morning I woke up and realised that I would be 32 in May. Frantically checking my memory, I was taken aback that I had not achieved much and 2 years just slipped by me. 2 years of doing nothing! I panicked! I was desperate! I needed to kick start my life again. How? I was confused!

The news on TV didn't make it easier. Looks like US is heading towards a recession and Japan too. The job market may not be as vibrant as I want it to be. After 2 years, what am I still capable of? Can I still find a job I love so very much?

Many people have told me that I should find something to do to keep myself going. It's not an excuse but is it really so easy? It is very convenient to say, "Oh, you have all the time to do things you like now." Is it true? I am tired of explaining to people that we have taken conveniences in Singapore for granted and assume that we can apply such conveniences everywhere we go. "Do something you like" ....easier said than done. Half the time, I find myself doing something for the sake of doing. When you don't get to choose, anything available is probably God bless.

Maybe it's mid-life crisis, maybe it's a lack of self-esteem, maybe it's a lack of sunshine, maybe I've had enough, maybe it's a mix of everything.......it's time for me to get my life back.

1.1

It's ok if you do not understand this post. It's meant for me.

Say cheese :)

When I first arrived in Moscow, I found myself feverishly learning how to "swear" in Russian, something which is not me. The worst swear word that ever came out of my mouth was TMD. So why was I trying to arm myself with all the "Russki bad words"? Well...to use them as ammunition when I encountered rude Russians (all the time).

Let me explain further. Russians can be quite ill-behaved when in public. They cut queues, they bang onto you and offer no apology, they cough right in your face, they spit without aiming, they are loud and rowdy etc. When faced with such situations, sometimes you just have to utter some profanities to jolt their conscience (when in Rome, do what the Romans do right?). Anyhow, I just didn't have the knack for language, let alone flowery language. So, I gave up.

How about instead of behaving like rude Russians, let's just concentrate on nice things to say. This question came to my mind, "What's the nicest thing someone said to you today?" Do we ever remember the sweetest sentence we receive everyday?

A sudden realisation?

This headline caught my eye and I read the article with much skepticism. They finally drafted a law to prepare for the WHO's framework convention on tobacco control due to dire demographics? Hurray! But call me a cynic or maybe I do not have a deep enough understanding of the country, I am not convinced that all these are done for the benefit of the people and that they finally realise their people are dying out fast and dying young.

The article highlighted that some 65% of their men and more than 30% of their women smoke. With my observation, I think this is an understatement. I think the statistics should be 80% of their men and more than 50% of their women smoke (but this is purely my guess, please do not quote me). It is hard to find a non-smoker on the streets rather than the opposite. And when you walk into a restaurant, you are basically stepping into a heavily smoked chimney. When you walk out of it, you are automatically transformed into a human-size cigarette. If you are unlucky, you probably smell of 50% stale smoke and 50% fresh ones. If you are lucky, you will just be like a newly lighted one. Smoking, is just their way of life, just like vodka! With such an "unique tradition", it is unlikely that a total ban on smoking in bars and restaurants will pass though it seemed like a bill was already approved in its first reading to ban smoking in certain public areas and aboard airplanes (huh? how many airlines allow that in the first place nowadays?) and commit restaurants and cafes to allocate at least 50% of their spaces to non-smokers. Pardon my ignorance, but I do not see many restaurants and cafes preparing or having such an arrangement.

The article also mentioned that unlike other countries that have signed onto the convention, Russia has never allowed smoking in movie theatres and in the subway. I think this is not something to be proud of as I believe allowing the above is already a very primitive act and if the country is truly keen on moving towards being a healthier, smoke-free nation, the benchmark should be with countries in the convention who are constantly pushing the frontiers, and not with the underachievers.

Having said all that, some actions is always better than none and being a smoke-free advocate, I certainly hope that they can carry this vision through, just like how they manage their economy after communism. It definitely will give their people a better quality of life than what they are enjoying or not enjoying now.

It's finally here!

Many believe that we are freezing our butts out in Moscow as it is typically a very very cold country with harsh winters. On the contrary, we have not had real snow or extreme cold winter until today! We woke up to a super white Sunday (much to our astonishment) :P. The snow had finally arrived! I guess we have been taking the though cold but dry winter for granted. Just 1 night...the snow on our car is about 4cm thick!

While waiting for Eugene's car, we observed how the workers get rid of the heaps of snow piled on the streets. Quite interesting but hard work. I wonder how it would be like without the workers. I guess we would all have to put on our gears and head off to the roads with our shovels :P

天降运财 :)

One of my friends have just completed his first telemovie, "天降运财" or "Heng or Huat". It is scheduled to be released next week. If you are looking for something light-hearted to watch for Chinese New Year's eve and would like to support local production, you can consider picking up one of this next week. Here's the trailer for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXSARzRuoE0

Talent...how come I don't have?

The meaning of talent seems to be very vast; from it being an ancient unit of weights, endowment of a person to a special often creative or artistic aptitude. I ponder if it is an entitlement to everybody and I conclude that it is not. For, I am one of those that are not entitled to it.

When we say that a person is talented, we often refer to one of those outstanding skill that he/her exhibits like Bach, Mozart in music. But, what if my conclusion is wrong and that talent is indeed a living being's entitlement? I once read a book that truly believes in this. That we should all be aware and exploit our individual talents rather than look for improvements in our weakness. If that is true, then, what is mine? I can't draw, I can't write.....

Fortunate are those who discover that they have certain talents and hence can further develop it. They can use it to make a living, to enhance their lives and maybe even to influence lives. I certainly wish that I have one of those talents.

Pseudo Life

Do you ever wonder why your life is the way it is? If you are able to create a pseudo life, how would it be like? Would it be like the female characters in Korean series where there will always be 2 guys fighting over 1 gal? Where 1 of the chap is a great buddy while the other is the perfect man? Or would it be one of those super intelligent characters in CSI, 24 etc?

My pseudo character, if I may, would be ......

She likes travelling, sometimes alone, sometimes not. She can speak a few different languages. She dresses with style. She has a job that she is madly passionate about, something related to creativity/design. She has hobbies, one of which is photography. She is a talented musician who can play the keyboard, the harp, the guitar and the cello. She has a character that is very endearing. She draws people. She is not petty. She is easy-going. She speaks with wit. She makes people laugh. She is comfortable with life. She is not fantastically stunning but she is pleasant looking. She is not fat. She is rather tall. She has great dimples. She is outspoken. She is opinionated.

But she is not without flaws.

She can be hot-tempered. She can be messy. She is not meticulous. She loses things easily. She cannot really manage money. She is not academically intelligent.

I can only visualise her existence but I cannot imagine her life. Though I rather choose one that is challenging but something at the back of my mind tells me it's smooth sailing. If it is the latter, wouldn't it be too boring, too cliche? If it is the latter, wouldn't it be too dangerous? That one day the whole fairytale will burst? That all her "haves in life" will be taken away...maybe by the divine, simply because she has had her fair share of "fortunes" and it's time these are being given to others who have yet to enjoy them.

Maybe I should give her "powers" only to be used in desperate situations. Power of courage, strength, resilience and optimism. How else should I develop my pseudo character?

Sin's Special!

Today's SQ flight from Singapore was a highly anticipated one. Besides the return of friends who were away for quite some time, there was also the long awaited greens that one of them had kindly brought back. It is pathetic to get vegetables now in Moscow, unless you wouldn't mind the salad types. But for me, I need leafy greens. One of the essentials to keep bowels moving besides coffee. Finally, I get my Pak Choy and Chye Sim. Hope the supplies can keep me going till I got back :)

Thanks, Jason :)

House Exchange

I was watching "Holiday" last night. In this movie, the 2 actresses decided to do a house exchange. That means, they both took a holiday to each other's country and stayed at each other's house. It turned out that both found the vacation they were looking for. Would you do a house exchange to someone you don't know? It sounds like an interesting concept but the stakes are a bit too high isn't it? Though you are on holiday, half the time you would be worried about what will happen to your house! I don't know but I would not choose such a vacation style...would you?

My life this week....

Nope...my russian is not that good. These are English movies. Don't be deceived by the cover :P

Russian's Car

Russians have different ways of safe guarding their cars from theft. They will either install primitive/modern security gadgets or spray their cars with exotic prints, e.g, leopard prints, bears etc. But this one.....is so interesting!

Sophie...

Many who read this blog will know about Fu, Darren and Chloe. Some will know about the new additions we have last year. This is one of them....Sophie. See how she has grown :)

P/s: I hope I got the photos right..that they are all Sophies...Liang Mama, please ascertain :P

Life-size matyoshka

We were driving along Dimitriv Shonsei and this was what we saw....

Ending...you like?

Russians always have the habit of combining public holidays so that they become either long weekends or super long breaks like in Jan. The first 9-10 days of Jan is usually public holidays and it is peak travel period for them. While many are out travelling, I enjoyed 9 days of peace in the city. How did I spent my time? Prison Break Season 2, Lovers In Paris and 24 Season 7.

I wish there was no season 3 for Prison Break because it would had concluded nicely if season 3 had not existed. I like shows with good ending. It need not be a happy one but one with conclusion. What irritate me the most are those which make me dangle in the air, second guessing if there is a sequel.

This is precisely the reason why I like 24 (though the individualistic, "I-know-all" characteristic of Jack Bauer irks me at times). When a season ends, it ends with a conclusion. It doesn't matter if you follow up with the next one or not.

I was tricked into thinking that Lovers in Paris was a nice serial to watch. Ending was......absolutely absurd. Such ending makes you feel "cheated", that you even come so far to catch it. I just felt that I needed to throw some rotten eggs at my new Plasma!! Ya, it was that bad! Have you caught any show / serial that you enjoy recently?

Top destination for the year...

I hope I can make my Spain trip happen this year. It is always a country I want to visit since my Uni years. When I was with the guitar ensemble in Uni, we used to come across many compositions about Spain. You see her beauty in these works as well as from the many travel journals and websites. Not to mention that it is the home of Mango and Zara too. So we decided. It will be the top destination for us this year. I have marked out the places that I wanted to go but have not decide if we can cover everything in 1 trip (doubt it). Will do more research about these places and will give first hand account when I finally make it there :) Stay tune ....

Best of Friends - The Next generation :)

I love these photos...what about you?

Breakfast...

2 Sundays ago, we joined some friends for a lazy breakfast morning. We met at this place called the Nespresso Cafe, a nice and cozy place. What perks you up in this cafe is the constant coffee aroma. We ordered our breakfast while waiting for our "kakis" to turn up. The policeman at the road outside caught our attention. Basically, we just wanted to see how much "business" he could get on a quiet Sunday morning. Not very much we guess as he didn't seem interested to stop any vehicle at all. A moment later, our friends arrived and so was the breakfast order. Hmm...yummy! But that breakfast cost us S$60. It's time like this that you will miss the "kaya, cold stori" bread with "kopi" :)

Out in the open in -24 degrees :(

How does it feel to be out in the open at -24 degrees? It's numbness at the extremities, pain on the face, aches on the joints, dizziness due to pressure maybe and lungs feeling like they are collapsing. Not a fun experience :(

We are all connected!

I always have the belief that we are all connected with one another, in one way or another. Recently, one of my ex-colleague found me on Facebook through another friend's profile. The latter, I acquainted with in Moscow. It was a nice feeling to be "lost and found". Looking back, there are friends whom were once close but not anymore. There are friends whom we used to see everyday but not anymore. There are people whom we once sworn by but not anymore. The sentence "people come, people go" is so commonly heard in workplace but I think it applies to life too. If only life is simpler. Maybe then more beautiful things are sustainable. Hmm....sounds a bit melancholic but that's not the aim of this post.

2008 KPIs?

Pardon me for the title. It might sound unpalatable for some. But I do wish I have some real KPIs to meet for 2008. I have been putting off writing the so- called "new year resolution" because being on "sabbatical" doesn't motivate me to formulate any. But there are 3 things which I really want to achieve in 2008;
a) save more money

b) be a better person

c) do something useful/fulfilling